Updated: Oct 26
For those who know about the movie Fight Club with Brad Pitt and Edward Norton, what is the first and second rule of fight club?
Rule1 ) you don't talk about fight club
Rule 2) YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB
In many ways it feels like the rules of divorce are similar.
Rule 1) You don't talk about Divorce
Rule 2) YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT DIVORCE
In the year 2023, despite the progress we have made in various areas of society, there is still an unfortunate amount of stigma surrounding the conversation of divorce. It seems that many people continue to view divorce as a failure, rather than recognizing it as an experience from which one can learn and grow. It is disheartening that in this day and age, divorce still carries such moral weight within certain religions.
The fear of being judged by one's community or religious institution often prevents individuals from openly discussing their feelings about divorce and seeking support during this challenging time. This added pressure only serves to exacerbate the emotional turmoil that accompanies such a significant life change.
We all know that divorce can be an emotionally charged topic, clouding our judgment and leaving us feeling trapped. It's only natural to turn to our trusted inner circle for advice, but what happens when they don't really understand the complexities of divorce? Instead of finding solace, we often end up receiving misguided advice that only adds fuel to the fire.
Those around us may mean well, but without firsthand experience or knowledge about divorce, their suggestions often will make matters worse.
To put it into perspective:
Suppose you tell your non-athletic best friend, who has never hiked in his life, that you plan to climb Mount Kilimanjaro He immediately responds, without any second thought or consideration, “Make sure you take nice T-shirts”
You don’t know anything about climbing, so taking his advice, you buy some real nice T-shirts, flight, and train tickets to Mount Kilimanjaro. Armed with nice tees, you are sure to reach the peak After all, you trust your friend—what could possibly go wrong?
Once you arrive in town at the base, everyone notices you have some cash to spend Nobody tells you how badly prepared you are, and tees are useless on your journey Instead, they sell you all kinds of souvenirs, making you think that is what you need in order to climb. Nobody stops to mention you need a minimum of two years training.
You start the adventure, and about two hundred feet into your four-mile journey, you are tired, out of breath, and out several thousands of dollars already You retreat to base camp and go home.
On your way home, you begin to recollect all that bad advice you were given, and you still cannot quite figure out what exactly went wrong Your friends would never mislead you What just happened?
Divorce is the time when you need to talk to people and connect with them the most, However it is the exact moment that you should stay quiet and communicate as little as possible with your close friends and family.
To rephrase rule 1 and 2 of Divorce Club in a more precise language:
DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE WEEDS OF YOUR DIVORCE
This will be the greatest shift in perspective that will occur as a result of getting a divorce. The reality is that they nearly never have any helpful advice to provide, and when they do, the recommendations they provide almost always wind up causing you to incur additional expenses in the long term. Others typically want to make you happy ASAP and they do not like to see you in suffering; so, finding knee jerk on the spot fixes are quite common around divorce conversations. You will ikely end up hearing advice such as:
“Just fix your marriage”
“Stay in the marriage for the kids”
“Just get a real aggressive lawyer”
“It’s wrong for you to even think that way!”
…on and on the list of advice goes on forever..
Not to mention the judgements you receive from others.
Navigating through a divorce can be one of the most challenging and difficult experiences in life. It's a time when you need to find your voice, to express yourself and brainstorm ways to overcome the obstacles that come your way. But paradoxically, it is also a time when you must remain silent and choose your words wisely. So, who can you turn to during this trying period?
A close friend of mine once shared some insightful wisdom. Others can only help you if they have the knowledge, experience you need and are willing to spend a tremendous amount of time with you along the entire length of the journey.
Only someone who has experienced divorce firsthand, someone who is willing to open up about their own journey and guide you step-by-step with intricate details, is truly equipped to help you navigate this unfamiliar territory.
Divorce is not just a legal process; it encompasses a profound emotional transformation as well. When you find that confidant who has walked in your shoes before, they understand the rollercoaster of emotions you're going through – from anger and frustration to sadness and confusion. They can empathize with the fear of an uncertain future that looms over you like a dark cloud. This person shares more than just practical advice; they dedicate themselves to being there for you emotionally every step of the way. They lend an ear when all you need is someone to listen without judgment or interruption. They provide guidance on how to communicate effectively with your ex-partner during challenging discussions or negotiations.
Most importantly, they remind you that there is light at the end of this tunnel – that healing and growth are attainable even in the midst of such turmoil. In essence, choosing someone with divorce experience as your confidant ensures that their support goes beyond mere sympathy or well-meaning intentions. It becomes a lifeline connecting two souls embarking on parallel journeys – where sharing insights becomes transformative for both parties involved. So, as you walk your unique path through divorce, remember that you don't have to face it alone. Seek out that one person who understands the intricacies and complexities of the divorce process. Find solace in their experience and willingness to accompany you on this challenging journey. Together, you can navigate the legal proceedings, process your emotions, and come out on the other side stronger, wiser, and ready to embrace a brighter future.
Divorce is not just the end of a marriage; it represents a profound transformation in one's personal journey. It is an opportunity for individuals to reassess their priorities, rediscover themselves, and embark on a new path towards happiness and fulfillment. It would be unfair to dismiss divorce as merely a negative event without acknowledging the valuable lessons that can be learned from it. Going through a divorce requires immense strength, courage, and resilience. It demands self-reflection, introspection, and ultimately leads to personal growth. By reframing our perspective on divorce and embracing it as an experience to learn from rather than a failure, we empower ourselves and others who are going through similar circumstances. We give permission for individuals to share their stories openly with compassion and understanding.
Imagine a world where conversations surrounding divorce are met with empathy rather than judgment. A world where individuals feel supported in both their decision-making process leading up to a divorce and navigating life afterward. By shifting societal attitudes towards divorce, we can foster an environment that encourages healing, growth, and empowerment.
Let us redefine the conversation around divorce. Let us challenge the prevailing narrative that views divorce solely as a failure, and instead embrace it as an opportunity to learn, grow, and embark on a new journey towards personal fulfillment.
- Divorce Coach Oscar Chavarria