Your Divorce cheat sheet

A Message to My Fellow Divorcees: To Those Beginning, Facing, or Dealing with divorce

There are two things you won’t hear from most professionals: how to divorce a narcissist — and how to do it without going broke.

You are not here by chance.

You are not here by accident.

You have arrived at this precise moment because something within you, perhaps subtle, perhaps roaring, has been stirred.

There is a resonance between the words you are about to read and the quiet truth that lives within you.

This message may not be for you directly.

But it may be for someone close to you, someone standing at the edge of a great decision, someone who is walking through the valley of divorce, unsure of their next step.

Whether for you or for them, this truth demands to be heard.

At this very hour, you are standing at a crossroad, not one built by the world, but one crafted by every experience, every lesson, and every desire you have carried until now.

This page, these words, they are not random. They are a signal.

A turning point. The kind of pivot that can shape the course of your life.

You have tried distraction. You have sought comfort. You have waited for time to fix what only action can heal. But something within you—call it spirit, intuition, higher self—still whispers:

“I am not done yet.”

And that whisper is no small thing. It is the voice of your future calling.

For the past is not your master. It is only the foundation. And you, right now, have the power to choose differently. To rise. To take hold of your next chapter—not by chance, but by definite intent.

This is your moment.

~Napoleon Hill

Going through a divorce feels like stepping onto a fast-moving treadmill.

Once you’re on, the legal system pushes you along with no real plan: “Try this, now try that, okay now do this.”

Wash, rinse, repeat.

There’s no strategy. There’s no pause to ask what kind of people are involved, or how they think or feel.

It treats every case the same, no matter what. This can turn even a simple divorce into a long, painful, and expensive mess.

When a person starts divorce without a clear plan, it usually takes much longer and costs much more. If your divorce ends up in court, there’s often a reason behind it.

Many times, it's because one partner has a narcissistic personality.

These kinds of people feel a deep sense of entitlement.

That means they believe they deserve more, and they’ll do whatever it takes to win. They might try to take everything.

The system also loves to use phrases like “for the benefit of the child.”

But here’s the truth: that phrase can be easily weaponized to make a partner pay up, a tool to get more money.

And here’s another truth:

There is no such thing as "Divorce School." No one teaches you what to expect.

Most lawyers are too busy to walk you through the emotional side.

Therapists might help with feelings, but they don’t guide legal decisions.

That leaves a huge gap, and this is where divorce coaching comes in. I help people understand their emotions, their spouse’s personality, and how to make smart decisions during this tough time.

When you’re in a divorce, your body goes into fight, flight, or freeze mode

Even small decisions can feel impossible.

People usually turn to friends or family for advice.

But here’s the thing: most of the advice you get during divorce is wrong. It may come from a good place, but it just doesn’t help.

There are a few reasons why getting advice from friends or family during divorce can go wrong.

First, when someone gives you advice, it’s usually a one-time thing.

You might not see or talk to that person again for weeks or even months.

That means you’re getting one piece of advice without any follow-up, without structure, and without the full picture.

Second, if that person has never been through a divorce—especially if they’ve never been through divorce court, then they really don’t know how it works. But even without that experience, they’ll often still try to give you advice about something they don’t fully understand.

Even people who have been divorced often don’t want to talk about it. For many, it’s like a skeleton in the closet—something they want to forget.

So again, you end up getting a small piece of advice with no real context and no support to go with it.

The truth is, divorce isn’t something you should go through alone.

What you really need is a co-pilot, a thinking partner, and a sounding board—someone who’s on your side to help guide you through the journey.

And if you’re divorcing a narcissist

The problem gets even worse.

Narcissists are really good at making you look like the problem.

Most people won’t believe your side, and they definitely won’t give advice that fits your situation.

Let’s not forget about victim shaming

This happens when you share your story, how hard your marriage has been, the abuse you’ve suffered, and how painful your divorce is

And someone responds by saying, “What did you do to deserve that?”

That question is the exact meaning of victim shaming.

The real question should be, “Does your abusive partner have a mental illness or a personality disorder?”

That’s not what people ask.

Instead, they ask, “What did you do wrong to get treated so badly?”

It makes your head spin.

Interested in a Brainstorming Session? click here

Then there’s another problem

When you tell your story, the people you share it with can become very emotional. Sometimes, they get even more upset than you are.

Suddenly, you have to calm them down.

You end up taking care of their feelings, like being their therapist.

But here’s the thing: you are not in a place to be a therapist for anyone else.

You’re already going through a stressful divorce.

Trying to manage your own emotions is already a full-time job.

That’s why telling your story to others, especially over and over again, is usually not helpful. It’s not easy to keep your story to yourself, especially when you really need advice.

But sadly, most of the time, the advice you get from friends or family is wrong. The chances of getting the right advice are almost zero.

Then there’s parental alienation

The problem with parental alienation is that it’s become a very political word.

In fact, it’s almost like a “forbidden” word, people don’t want to talk about it.

It reminds me of an old story about a scientist who studied the bumblebee.

The scientist said, “The bumblebee should not be able to fly based on its body shape and wing size.” But the bumblebee didn’t know that.

So it just kept flying anyway.

It’s the same with parental alienation

Even though many people deny it exists, and some even say it’s not real or call it “fake science” parental alienation is still very real.

It happens more than people think. And it causes a lot of pain and damage to families, especially kids.

But because it’s such a sensitive and political topic, the legal system often ignores it.

Many people brush it under the rug.

It doesn’t get the serious attention it deserves, even though it’s harming so many families in silence.

When divorcing a narcissist, parental alienation is almost certain. There are no easy solutions when this happens, best we can do is prepare and understand what is happening for our own self-regulation and take the time to be still when needed

There are many unknowns, and jumping into divorce without a plan is risky.

If you don’t understand the process or the person you’re divorcing, you can get stuck in a long, painful arena.

And yes, not every divorce is like this, but when you’re dealing with an entitled or controlling spouse, the risk is much higher.

Here’s the thing: many times, not always, but quite often, a person showing strong narcissistic behavior has a history of childhood abandonment or abuse.

In other words, there’s a high chance that deep emotional wounds from childhood are behind their behavior.

Getting even a small glimpse into their early years can sometimes give you clues about why they act the way they do.

But here’s the problem: almost no one in the divorce industry takes time to look at personality types to at least make a somewhat educated guess about what is the best path to settlement.

It’s brushed off as irrelevant.

Professionals skip the area of personality types.

And if they do one, it’s quick and shallow.

That’s a mistake.

A basic understanding of personality types and how each person handles conflict can completely change how the divorce is handled.

This isn’t about doing deep psychological work. It’s just about knowing what you’re dealing with.

It helps create a smarter strategy, especially when one partner is emotionally explosive or manipulative.

Common reasons for divorce include cheating, money problems, and emotional abuse. But many of these things can be described with one word: entitlement.

One person thinks they deserve more, better, or different, and they’re willing to fight for it unfairly.

Dr. Ramani says that about 15% of people show narcissistic traits.

Narcissism isn’t a formal diagnosis you need a doctor for.

You don’t need a psychological test to get an assessment. Just watch how your spouse acts:

- Do they lie often? Even at the most irrelevant things?

- Do they make you feel small or unimportant?

- Do they argue just to be right, even about little things?

- Do you feel confused or crazy after talking to them?

- Do they smirk at you when you’re triggered in an argument?

-etc.

These are signposts that your spouse may have a narcissistic personality. Again, the intention here is not to make an assessment, the only purpose is to understand what the relationship dynamics are to create a roadmap to the exit.

Because here’s the truth: if one or both partners show strong narcissistic traits, the chances are very high that the divorce will be a hard.

It’s not about blaming, it’s about being prepared.

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Personality types are exactly what determines how conflict will play out during a divorce

The way someone responds to stress, arguments, and high-stakes decisions all comes down to their personality.

But here’s the crazy part, no one does a proper personality assessment at the start.

NEVER

You have two people going through one of the most emotional and high-conflict situations of their lives, and yet nobody takes a moment to figure out how they’re wired.

That’s like trying to solve a puzzle without looking at the pieces.

If we took the time—even just a little—to understand each person’s conflict style, we could avoid so much of the chaos. But the system doesn’t do that.

And that’s what WE HAVE FOLKS.

And here’s a golden rule of divorce:

Conflict resolution is always determined by the highest-conflict partner. The other spouse has no choice in the matter.

You don’t get a choice in that.

If divorcees understood this one rule, they would prepare better.

But no one tells you this before it starts. That’s why understanding and divorce coaching can change your whole experience.

There are two powerful options that most people don’t even know exist:

1. Self-Representation: Yes, you can represent yourself in court. It sounds scary, but many people do it successfully with the right support. If I did it, so can anyone. It is not easy to say the least, but sometimes it is the only option. Particuarly at stage 1 of most divorces, there is much a divorcee can do without full representation.

2. Unbundled Services: This means hiring a lawyer only for certain parts of your case, not everything. It’s also called legal coaching or a limited retainer.

This, combined with divorce coaching, gives you control and saves a lot of money.

The truth is, everyone has to fill out legal documents in a divorce.

Even if you have a full-time lawyer, you still have to do this part. So why not take the lead and do it yourself when you can?

It could save you thousands.

One common mistake people make is thinking they need the most aggressive lawyer in town. But aggressive often means expensive. If you can afford it, great.

But most people would be better off with a clear plan, divorce coaching, and unbundled legal help.

Fear and confusion are common.

Divorce feels like jumping into a college-level physics class while your brain is frozen.

That’s why people make bad choices: they’re scared and don’t understand the system.

But fear goes away when you understand what’s happening. And when fear goes down, your confidence goes up.

This is why my work as a divorce coach is different.

I don’t just sit behind a desk. I’ve lived through this. I know how scary and painful it is. And I can help you find your power again.

When people are scared, they give up control. They let others make decisions for them.

But those choices can have big, painful consequences. That’s why it’s so important to understand what’s happening and take your power back.

A lot of people believe everything will get split 50/50 in divorce.

That’s not true, especially if you’re divorcing a narcissist.

Divorce law can be twisted.

I’ve seen cases where one spouse walks away with way more than half.

I have spoken to people who have had their multi-million-dollar businesses destroyed during divorce.

Not to scare you, but you need to be ready.

Many people stay in bad marriages for years. They stay for money, religion, social pressure, or fear.

Some are so hurt and controlled that they’re afraid to leave. Even thinking about freedom feels scary.

And instead of facing it, they stay busy. They work extra hours, volunteer, go to the gym, anything to stay away from home. These are coping tools to avoid the truth, but the truth is still there.

It is not an easy conversation

Even those who have been through it often stay silent. But they’re the ones who could help the most. It’s time to open that door and start talking.

You may hear people say, "Why don't you just get a divorce?"

But it's not that easy. It’s like asking the Titanic to turn in 100 meters.

We all carry old beliefs, childhood pain, religious thoughts, and pressure from others.

Change takes time.

And just like the Titanic, turning takes space, energy, and support.

Many people feel alone in divorce.

They think no one understands. But I do. And I believe one simple conversation can make a huge difference.

You don’t need to go through every painful step on the treadmill.

You can skip ahead with the right help. Divorce coaching gives you that chance.

Don’t let the system take advantage of your fear.

Learn how it works. Understand what you can do on your own. And if you can do it without a full-time lawyer, why not?

If you feel stuck, scared, or frozen, know this: you’re not alone. And this doesn’t have to be your forever.

The first step is just a conversation. If this sounds like you—or someone you care about—let’s talk.