Everyone agrees divorce comes with a rollercoaster of emotions, but few speak about the reality of the business of divorce.
As a #divorcecoach, I get to hear success stories about people who decide not to #divorce but prefer to practice conscious decoupling. They shake hands and agree to be fair in the property division; each goes on their merry way and remains friendly. They both understand the importance of being fair and the importance of solving problems between them only.
Stories like this are rare indeed.
Most of the time is not like this
Two positions emerge. One who wants emotional justice, another who is willing to be taken to the cleaners in divorce in order to avoid conflict.
Both positions have very important implications. For those seeking emotional justice it will be all about resentment and revenge; not considering the cost and emotional toll, a litigious #divorce will take on the entire family to do so. That spouse becomes blind to common sense and empathy, becoming unmovable in their position. They will be willing to scorch the earth to exact the revenge, they feel they deserve to get; litigation time, money and work skyrockets to unmanageable heights. The cost in terms of negative emotions for everyone is high; these emotions typically translate into health issues, such as back pain, sleep and digestive disorders, and other health problems. The financial cost takes its toll, and the money that belongs to the entire family evaporates into the ether of never-ending legal battles.
We can also find the personality that sits at the other end of the spectrum. the spouse who is willing to give up the entire farm in order to avoid any and all conflict, not understanding the lifetime financial implications of such decisions. These personalities are so afraid of standing up for their rights, that have not been able to do the math to understand how many years it will take them to buy a house if they simply decide to leave their corresponding net worth behind. In many cases, they are not able to buy a house again.
there is always a price to pay
Both positions taken in divorce as described above have a price, a very high price indeed. There really is no such thing as a free lunch or getting away with anything.
For the aggressor, their health may be so impacted by their sense of vengeance that they likely will need to start to take medication for the various illnesses they bring on.
For the spouse taken to the cleaners, the cost potentially may not register in terms of poor health, but it sure will leave a gaping hole in the pocket, and many never fully financially recover.
it is a business
“The process of disolution of a marriage needs to be seen as a business decision”
Both extremes seen above have a very high cost and one way or the other both parties need to come as close to the middle as possible. That means the dissolution of the marriage/business must end in a split that is as close to 50/50 as possible. Certainly, every dissolution has its own nuances, and concessions are made accordingly, but overall the guiding principle must always be a 50/50 split.
Yes, emotions run high in many cases, but cool heads must prevail in order to understand the extreme implications when taking extreme positions of aggressiveness and passivity.
As always, from the bottom of my heart, I wish you a peaceful and friendly conscious decoupling.