Break Free from Narcissism and Control: The Trained Elephant Insight

The Trained Elephant. How Narcissism and Control Keep You Emotionally Stuck

Have you ever wondered why you still feel trapped, anxious, or unsure — even after leaving a painful relationship? Narcissism and control can create invisible chains that hold you back long after a breakup or divorce. 

They used to train elephants by chaining baby ones to a heavy post they couldn’t move. The young elephant would pull, strain, and try to escape until one day it just stopped trying. Why? Because it learned it was useless. 

Fast forward years later — same elephant, now grown, powerful, and capable of destroying that post in seconds — remains tied with a rope he could easily snap. But he doesn't. He doesn’t even try.

That’s what narcissism and control do to your emotional world. They train you not to try, not to speak up, not to trust yourself. But just like that elephant, your power hasn’t disappeared — it’s just waiting to be remembered.

Let’s explore how you got stuck, how emotional control makes it hard to break free, and what steps you can take to reclaim your peace and strength.

The trained Elephant Effect Why Do I Still Feel Stuck — Even After It’s Over?

According to the American Psychological Association, understanding your emotional triggers is crucial for emotional well-being, especially after experiencing narcissism and control in relationships. Recognizing these triggers can help you reconnect with your inner strength and begin to trust yourself again.

You might ask yourself: "Why do I still feel this way when the relationship is already over? Why do I feel anxious about moving on?"

You’re not alone. Emotional confusion often lingers long after a relationship with a narcissistic partner ends, even if the split was civil. If you've found yourself tied to an unhealthy relationship pattern, understanding the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships can provide crucial insights.

Maybe you catch yourself second-guessing everything. You hold back what you want to say during a co-parenting discussion. You keep the peace, even when you’re uncomfortable. You hesitate to share your struggles with friends, or you feel guilty for wanting more.

These are all signs that old emotional habits are still running the show.

What’s really at stake? Staying stuck in those emotional patterns slows your healing. It can seep into future relationships. And worst of all, it robs you of the peace and confidence you deserve.

Common thoughts that keep people looped in self-doubt include:

"I should be over this by now."

"Maybe I’m just too sensitive."

"If I had just tried a little harder, maybe it would have worked."

Sound familiar? That inner voice isn’t your true self — it’s the echo of a long-term emotional pattern. One that can be unlearned.

How Narcissism and Control Condition You to Stay Small

Most people think narcissism is just about arrogance or selfishness. But narcissism and control can be far more subtle — and far more damaging over time. Sometimes, behaviors such as yelling can be manifestations of deeper issues, as explained in reasons why spouses yell and what can be done about it.

In many relationships, the control is emotional. It starts small: maybe you’re told you’re overreacting when you’re upset. 

Or someone praises you one moment and criticizes you the next. You start walking on eggshells, not realizing your self-trust is slowly being chipped away.

Let’s go back to our trained elephant: 

The rope around his ankle doesn’t need to be tight anymore — just present. Because the memory of being trapped is stronger than the truth of his power.

People raised in or exposed to emotionally controlling dynamics get conditioned the same way. You might be taught — knowingly or unknowingly — to doubt your gut. To prioritize others' needs. To fear consequences if you speak out.

These hidden dynamics often include:

• Gaslighting, which erodes your trust in your own reality

• Love bombing that turns into sudden withdrawal or criticism

• Guilt-tripping, making you think you're selfish for setting boundaries

• Emotional blackmail — using fear, obligation, or shame to maintain control

• Isolation from friends, family, or anyone who might support you

• Dismissing your pain — so you stop bringing it up altogether

And the sneakiest part? These patterns follow you. Even after the relationship ends, the rope remains — a soft tug of guilt, fear, or shame.

But here’s the truth: That rope only works if you believe it still holds you.

What If Freedom Starts With Awareness?

So, how do you start pulling away from that emotional rope? First, stop blaming yourself and start noticing your patterns. Gain insights from navigating emotionally challenging circumstances, such as a divorce with a chronically ill spouse.

According to the Mayo Clinic, having a support system is vital for mental health, particularly during life transitions like divorce. Leaning on friends, family, or professional guidance can aid in the recovery process and help you regain your emotional footing.

Awareness is the antidote to confusion.

Start by asking yourself: Are these thoughts mine? Or were they shaped by fear and control?

When you hesitate to speak up, check what story is playing in your mind. Is it something like, "They’ll get mad," or "I’m probably making too big of a deal out of this"?

Those stories were likely planted in you to keep the peace — but they are not permanent.

Shifting your mindset from “I’m stuck” to “I’m healing” makes a world of difference.

You’re not failing — you’re recovering from years of emotional conditioning. It takes time. It takes kindness toward yourself. And it takes support. Discover how a divorce coach can be a guide to navigating the complexities of starting anew.

When dealing with aspects like uncontested divorce, gaining clarity and cutting through complexities becomes paramount. Learn how to navigate it to find peace.

This might be where divorce coaching, therapy, or education come in. These aren’t luxury services — they’re lifelines. They help you name what’s happening, remember who you are, and take small but meaningful steps forward.

For comprehensive guidance, consider reviewing our ultimate guide to navigating divorce with confidence and clarity. It provides essential insights and steps for moving forward.

Start with small stretches. Say what you need — even if your voice shakes. Set a boundary — even if it’s just not replying instantly. Tell someone you trust how you really feel.

The more you do, the more your authentic voice comes back. And slowly, your emotional legs get strong enough to break the rope.

Erin’s Story: How One Woman Learned to Stop Staying Quiet

Erin is a 48-year-old mom of two. She finalized her divorce from her narcissistic ex-husband over a year ago. For others, divorce due to specific life stages such as menopause can present unique challenges.

She thought she would feel free. But during co-parenting conversations, she still found herself overexplaining, apologizing, or backing down just to avoid conflict.

Inside, she was exhausted. She wondered why she couldn’t just be confident already.

It wasn’t until Erin started working with a divorce coach that something clicked. She wasn’t weak. She was trained — emotionally trained to keep the peace at all costs. To shrink herself so someone else wouldn’t explode. To question her own feelings.

Once she saw that, everything changed.

She started pausing before replying to texts. She wrote down her own feelings before reacting. She began validating herself first, before asking anyone else to.

Little by little, Erin started trusting her voice. She no longer needed to explain every boundary or soothe every conflict. She felt grounded — not just free from her ex — but free in herself.

5 Empowering (and Simple) Steps to Take Back Your Emotional Power

Ready to try something new? Start small. Healing from narcissism and control doesn’t happen overnight — but small shifts create big changes over time.

Here are five steps you can take today:

Notice Emotional Triggers

Pay attention to moments that bring up anxiety, guilt, or self-doubt. Write them down — not to judge — but to understand what still holds emotional weight.

Practice Saying “No” Without Explanation

You don’t owe everyone a backstory. Try saying no in simple situations — like declining an invitation — and see that the world doesn’t fall apart.

Create a Personal “Truth List”

Write bullet points of what you know inside to be true — even if you don’t always believe them. For example: “I matter.” “I’m not responsible for how others feel.” “I deserve peace.”

Limit Toxic Communication

Keep interactions with controlling or toxic people brief, factual, and necessary. No emotional elaboration required. You're not obligated to engage.

Find One Skilled Ally

Whether it’s a therapist, divorce coach, or support group — find someone who truly sees you. Someone who reflects back your power and not your self-doubt.

These steps might seem small. But they’re like loosening the rope around your ankle. One day, you won’t just loosen it. You’ll walk away from it entirely.

You’re Not Stuck — You’re Still Healing (and That’s Brave)

You’ve been living on emotional autopilot shaped by narcissism and control — but now you’ve started to wake up. You’ve started to question the rope instead of bowing to it.

That’s not weakness. That’s the beginning of strength.

The elephant never needed more muscle — it needed a new perspective. You don’t need to prove your worth, or earn permission to be free. You already have everything it takes. What you need now is curiosity.

Curiosity to ask: "What else is possible for me?"

Curiosity to reflect: "What patterns am I holding onto — and where did they come from?"

And above all, the honesty to ask: "Is my life aligned with who I really am — or just what I was trained to accept?"

Limitations are often self-imposed. But so is freedom. Start choosing freedom. One honest moment, one brave boundary, one act of self-trust at a time.

You don’t have to pull away from the post in one giant move. Just start tugging gently. You might be surprised to find…the rope was never that strong to begin with.

Divorce is tough, but you don’t have to figure it out by yourself.

👉 Schedule your free strategy session here.