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The Impact of Bad Advice During Divorce

Updated: May 26

Somebody told me I should fight for full custody, just to teach him a lesson. Somebody told me I should wipe out our joint account before he did. Somebody told me to go for the house, even if I couldn’t afford it.


Sound Familiar?


The impact of bad advice during divorce is massive. It can twist your thinking, make you feel like you’re on the attack instead of healing, and leave behind emotional and financial wreckage. This advice often comes from people you trust — friends, family, even professionals — or from that frantic inner voice trying to fix everything quickly.


I've spoken to dozens of people going through divorce who regret acting on what "somebody told me." The end result? More conflict, less clarity, and a longer road to peace.


So, let's talk about it — honestly, openly. Our goal is to help you find a better footing for whatever comes next.


The Impact of Bad Advice Complicates an Already Difficult Time


Divorce is already heavy. Your identity is shifting. Your routine is breaking. Your future feels like a puzzle with missing pieces.


According to the American Bar Association, making informed legal choices during divorce can greatly impact your emotional and financial well-being. They stress the importance of understanding family law to avoid pitfalls that can increase stress and extend conflict. Understanding your rights helps you feel more secure and focused on healing.


When you're overwhelmed, it’s natural to seek direction. But not all advice is created equal.


Somebody told me I should handle it the way they did. However, their experience wasn’t mine. That’s the trap.


Advice from people who don’t fully understand your situation can make things worse:


  • It can escalate a quiet disagreement into a full-blown war.

  • It can guide you toward choices that cost more in the long run.

  • It can leave you feeling small, stuck, or scared.

  • And perhaps worst of all, it stops real healing from beginning.


When your emotional energy is running low, you may turn to whatever’s closest: Google searches, Reddit threads, friends who've experienced bitter splits, or a family member with strong opinions. They may mean well. But their story isn't your story.


That’s why I always advocate for avoiding anecdotal wisdom. Besides, Divorce Burnout is Real — Here's How to Avoid It. Emotional misdirection can wear you down.


Why Bad Advice Feels Good (Until It Doesn’t)


Let’s get real. Most bad advice sounds appealing at first.


It gives the illusion of certainty in an uncertain time. It feels supportive and makes you feel seen, even if it’s off the mark.


Why? Because when your world feels out of control, anything that feels like a plan can be comforting — even if it’s not the plan you actually need.


Someone once told me, “You have the right to take everything.” It made me feel powerful for a moment. But I wasn't trying to destroy — I was striving to heal.


Here's the catch: Bad advice preys on your fear:


  • You’re scared to make the wrong move.

  • You don’t fully trust yourself yet.

  • You want to act, not sit in uncertainty.


But acting on someone else’s fears — or their old wounds — can lead you to big problems:


  • Settlements that serve no one, including you.

  • High-conflict tactics that spiral into courtroom battles.

  • Misjudging your ex’s behavior and reacting poorly.

  • Carrying guilt, blame, or shame that you didn’t earn.


The pattern repeats:


  • Staying quiet to keep the peace.

  • Rushing to act because pausing feels like weakness.

  • Giving too much to prove that you’re not the bad guy.


Somebody told me that these were signs of maturity. In reality, they were signs of burnout.


Coaching Over Confusion: Why the Right Guidance Matters


Nobody’s saying guidance is bad. In fact, it’s crucial.


The key is to get it from the right place. That’s where a divorce coach comes in. Not a fixer or a venting partner. Coaches do not give blanket strategies or legal advice.


A divorce coach helps you hear your voice again and sort through the noise. Here’s what real coaching looks like:


  • It offers calm, clear help when emotions are high.

  • It listens without judgment but brings focus.

  • It validates your pain and helps you plan what’s next.


A coach isn’t part of the divorce machinery; they’re entirely with you. Your feelings. Your goals. Your values.


With the right support, you can:


  • Separate your pain from your purpose.

  • Communicate with your ex without exploding or shutting down.

  • Stand tall when you feel dismissed, shouted over, or ignored.


Coaching becomes essential in various situations, such as:


  • Dealing with a high-conflict or toxic ex.

  • Facing tough custody negotiations.

  • Navigating feelings of fear, resentment, or shame around starting over.


Consider exploring a guide to navigating divorce for added support.


Somebody told me coaching was soft. That I needed to get "tougher.” In truth, coaching is one of the strongest tools out there. Because clarity is power.


From Reactive to Resilient — A Coaching Story


Let me share a story.


A woman named Maya (not her real name) was in the middle of a painful divorce. Her friend — who had been through a messy split five years prior — told her, "You need to go for everything. Don't be nice. Take control."


Initially, Maya felt strong. She filed aggressive paperwork and prepared for a war. But soon, her ex retaliated. Progress slowed, and their kids, caught in the middle, sensed the stress.


Every conversation became a landmine.


Somebody told me she was doing the right thing, yet she wasn't so sure anymore.


Enter coaching.


Together, we unpacked what she truly desired: peace, closure, and safety for her kids. Not war.


Maya learned to detach from constant conflict, establish boundaries that her ex couldn’t bulldoze, and respond instead of react. She shifted her focus from "winning" the divorce to "creating a healthy next chapter."


The results were remarkable. They achieved a parenting agreement prioritizing her kids' stability and a financial decision that set her up for long-term success. Most importantly, she found emotional peace she never thought possible.


According to the Mayo Clinic, recognizing narcissistic traits in a partner helps navigate divorce with more insight, reshaping your emotional journey with clarity and purpose.


Maya didn’t just survive the process; she transformed through it.


What You Can Do Right Now to Protect Yourself from Bad Advice


There’s a healthier way through this. Start by doing what most people don’t:


Pause before acting on emotional advice.


Ask yourself — does this opinion reflect my truth? Or is it someone else’s story?


Next, notice patterns:


  • Is this advice pressuring you to act quickly?

  • Is it attempting to control or protect you?

  • Does it align with the type of person you wish to be?


Now, get grounded in your priorities. What matters most to you?


  • Peace?

  • Financial stability?

  • A cooperative co-parenting plan?

  • Emotional recovery?


When you feel pulled in different directions:


Name the emotion.


"I'm scared I’ll regret a mistake."


Name the need.


"I need guidance, not panic."


Then, re-center.


A short journaling session, a deep breath, or a minute alone in a quiet space can make a significant difference.


And consider this: a free or low-cost consultation with a certified divorce coach could be your turning point. Even if it only gives you 30 minutes of space that belongs entirely to you.


Somebody Told Me: Why This Phrase Can Wreck a Relationship


Let’s take a moment to reflect.


The phrase “somebody told me” should make us pause. Why? Because it often carries an assumption — an idea whispered into one ear that suddenly becomes law in your story.


Here are a few examples:


  • Somebody told me I should keep the house.

  • Somebody told me I owned all the assets.

  • Somebody told me he doesn't deserve custody.

  • Somebody told me to wipe out the accounts.


It's subtle but incredibly dangerous.


Why?


Because reacting to “somebody told me” without a conversation creates a one-sided story. In relationships, even those that are ending, unilateral decisions can cause immense damage.


For example, if your spouse claims, "Somebody told me I can take all your savings, so I did," that’s not guidance — it’s betrayal wearing a mask.


If the conversation arose from curiosity — “Hey, somebody told me this. Is it true?” — everything changes. Now there’s dialogue. Now there’s a relationship, even in separation.


The core question should always be: what’s true?


Is the advice legal, ethical, and informed? Or is it misdirection from pain, projection, or an outside voice with a hidden agenda?


Somebody told me advice should always be treated as a discussion point, not as a marching order.


You’re Allowed to Choose Something Better


The impact of bad advice can extend far beyond legal paperwork. It can affect how you perceive yourself, your ex, and your future for years.


But here’s the good news:


You can choose differently.


You can press pause on the noise, ask deeper questions, and seek genuine support that doesn’t stem from fear, revenge, or ego.


Let someone else’s opinion remain theirs. Cling to your voice — and build forward from there.


For those facing unique challenges, whether divorcing a narcissist or considering reconciliation with a narcissist, not all advice fits every situation.


Specific circumstances, like divorce due to menopause or navigating divorce with a chronically ill spouse, necessitate tailored approaches.


Your future isn’t constructed on what somebody told you.


It’s built on you.


No matter where you are, expert divorce support is just a Zoom call away. Based in Vancouver, I provide professional divorce coaching to clients across North America. Whether you’re navigating an amicable split or a high-conflict divorce, personalized guidance can help you move forward with clarity, confidence, and strength.


Divorce is tough, but you don’t have to figure it out alone. Get professional guidance, emotional support, and clear strategies.


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