Never Complain, Never Explain: As Winston Churchill used to say

Never Complain, Never Explain

Dealing with a narcissistic ex during divorce isn’t just hard — it can feel like emotional warfare. Every word you say becomes ammunition. 

Every explanation is twisted. And somehow, you're always one step behind, trying to defend yourself. If you’ve been feeling confused, emotionally drained, or constantly on edge, you’re not imagining it. 

You’re navigating a storm built on manipulation and control. But there’s a surprisingly simple principle that can bring you calm amidst this chaos: never complain, never explain.

Winston Churchill famously said this line as a kind of life motto. But when it comes to dealing with a narcissistic ex, this mindset becomes more than advice — it becomes a shield.

Why Trying to Defend Yourself Often Backfires in Divorce

When someone attacks your character, lies to others, or distorts your decisions, the natural reaction is to defend yourself. You want people to know the truth. You want to explain your side. 

And sometimes, you want the narcissistic ex to see reason. If you're also dealing with domestic violence, it's crucial to understand the dynamics of abusive relationships to ensure your safety.

But here’s the twist: the more you explain, the deeper you get pulled into the trap.

It’s common to feel overwhelmed, but understanding these feelings can help you navigate through them. This knowledge can be empowering, allowing you to focus on healing and moving forward with your life.

Narcissistic exes are masters of emotional games and circular arguments. They push your buttons, then stand back and watch you spiral — especially during stressful moments like custody negotiations or asset division.

Here are the most common ways people fall into this trap:

You send detailed, emotional emails trying to correct lies.

You vent to mutual friends or family, hoping they’ll validate your side — and then those comments get back to your ex.

You explain your actions again and again, hoping to clear your name or prove your innocence.

Each of these efforts, while coming from a good place, often makes things worse. You end up more stressed. The conflict escalates. And in messy legal situations, your emotional reactions might even be used against you. It’s not fair — but it’s very real.

The Hidden Power Struggles When Dealing with a Narcissistic Ex

Narcissistic individuals survive on control and image. During divorce, this often intensifies. They’ll try to maintain their power by controlling the narrative, the emotions in the room, and your reactions.

Let me walk you through the hidden power plays they use:

Gaslighting: They make you question your memory or judgment. "You’re overreacting." "That never happened."

Flying monkeys: Mutual friends start parroting your ex’s perspective, casting doubt on yours.

Projection: They accuse you of the very things they’re doing. "You’re always lying." "You’re unstable."

To understand these behaviors further, you can learn about healthy and unhealthy relationships.

Hoovering: Just when you start pulling away, they suddenly become charming, nostalgic, or guilt-ridden. It's a trap to pull you back in.

Over time, these mind games lead to emotional exhaustion. You begin walking on eggshells. You doubt yourself. You feel like you have to constantly defend your integrity.

And that’s exactly where they want you: stuck in a fog, uncertain, reactive. But once you recognize the pattern, you can start to break it. You can stop playing the game.

Why “Never Complain, Never Explain” Shields You

This tiny phrase carries serious power: never complain, never explain. It’s not about being cold. It’s about being grounded. You don’t owe your ex emotional access, explanations, or justifications.

Let’s break this down:

When you stop complaining, you stop feeding their sense of control. You stop handing them your emotional energy.

When you stop explaining, you protect yourself from debating the truth with someone who doesn’t care about it.

Instead, you stick to facts. Short. Clear. Neutral.

This doesn’t mean being passive. It means choosing peace over performance. Choosing calm over chaos. Choosing you. This strategy can also be beneficial if your husband yells frequently and you are trying to manage the relationship or separation.

A trauma-informed divorce coach can help you spot when you're slipping into overexplaining or emotional venting. They’ll teach you how to keep your responses BIFF: Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm.

When you embrace this approach, the conflict doesn’t magically disappear. But your power returns. Your nervous system resets. And you reclaim your life, one peaceful boundary at a time.

According to the American Psychological Association, safeguarding your mental health during challenging times, like during a divorce, plays a significant role in well-being. 

When you're equipped with the right tools and support, you can navigate these hurdles more efficiently. Remember, it's about finding peace within so you can face external battles with resilience.

For a comprehensive approach, you might find it helpful to read The Ultimate Guide to Navigating Divorce with Confidence and Clarity.

Lets say: How "Never Complain, Never Explain" Helped Anne Break the Cycle

Let’s call her Anne.

Anne was going through a painful divorce from her narcissistic ex, Dan. He constantly accused her of being mentally unstable. Every conversation devolved into accusations, manipulation, and emotional landmines.

At first, Anne fought back. Long emails. Paragraphs of explanations. She wanted to prove she was sane, thoughtful, fair.

But none of it worked. Dan twisted her words, forwarded her emails to others, and used them as fuel in custody mediation.

Eventually, Anne found a divorce coach who taught her the power of disengagement.

She tried the "Never complain, never explain" rule. Instead of reacting, she responded with short, factual lines. For those navigating divorce with complex situations, such as divorce due to menopause or a chronically ill spouse, a tailored approach is crucial.

Examples:

"Noted. Will respond through attorney."

"The pickup time remains 3 PM as scheduled."

"Please refer to the parenting plan."

No apologies. No justifications. No emotional breadcrumbs for Dan to follow.

Over time, something amazing happened. The emails from Dan got shorter. The drama dialed down. Anne felt stronger. For the first time in months, she could go a day without feeling dread in her stomach.

This rule helped her breathe again.

How to Apply “Never Complain, Never Explain” Starting Now

This isn’t a magic phrase — it’s a disciplined mindset. And you can start today. Here’s how:

Pause before you respond. Ask yourself: “Will responding feed the fire? Or extinguish it?”

Use the BIFF Method. Keep every message brief, informative, friendly, and firm. No emotion sandwiches. Just clarity. If you're looking to simplify the divorce process, an uncontested divorce might be an option worth exploring.

Speak only when necessary. Silence isn’t surrender — it’s strength. If they send five nasty messages, respond to none or just the key one with facts only.

Disengage from emotional traps. When conversations head into circular arguments or guilt trips, disengage. “We’ll stick to the terms of the agreement.” No more. No less.

Document. Don’t react. Keep a private journal or file with evidence or patterns. But don’t confront them with it. Use it for legal protection — not conversation.

Limit your circle of trust. Churchill’s mantra doesn’t just apply to your ex. It applies to everyone else, too. People love drama. They love to play devil’s advocate. Don’t let them.

Instead, find one or two trusted souls — maybe a divorce coach, therapist, or best friend — who support your growth without judgment.

With everyone else? Smile, nod, keep your business to yourself. This is not the time to explain. It’s the time to execute.

Repeat your new mantra. When you're tempted to defend yourself: never complain, never explain. When their lies sting: never complain, never explain. When you’re tired of being misunderstood: never complain, never explain.

You’ll be amazed at how much lighter you feel when you stop trying to convince people who don’t want to be convinced.

In time, the truth speaks for itself. Your peace will become your proof.

Conclusion

Dealing with a narcissistic ex doesn’t mean giving up your peace. You don’t have to fight fire with fire. You don’t have to explain your worth.

The "Never Complain, Never Explain" mindset offers you something joyfully subversive — the power to detach.

By staying brief, neutral, and emotionally grounded, you protect your time, your sanity, and your personal truth.

You don’t owe your ex — or the world — an explanation. You owe yourself peace.

So pause. Breathe. Say less.

Execute your plan. Protect your light.

And remember: Less explanation. More liberation.

You're no longer here to perform. You're here to rise.

Divorce is tough, but you don’t have to figure it out by yourself.

Get professional guidance, emotional support, and clear strategies.

👉 Schedule your free strategy session here.

Explore More Resources:

• 📖 The Good, The Bad, and The Divorce — Real stories, hard truths, and expert advice for navigating divorce.

• 🎯 What is Divorce Coaching? — Learn why having a divorce coach changes everything.

• 🤔 Should You Consider a Divorce Coach? — How coaching provides clarity when you need it most.

• 🧠 Narcissism is Not a Diagnosis — Understand the hidden dynamics behind high-conflict divorce.

• 🌟 Learn More About My Divorce Coaching Services — See how personalized support can change your entire divorce journey.