Toleration Is Draining Your Energy: How to Stop Settling and Start Living After Divorce
- Oscar
- May 25
- 6 min read
Toleration is sneaky. It starts with a small compromise — keeping quiet during a tense moment or letting clutter collect in a room you don’t often use. But before long, toleration starts taking up real space — in your mind, body, calendar, and heart.
Maybe you know exactly what I mean. Since the divorce, you expected things to feel lighter. You imagined a sense of freedom or peace. But instead, something still feels “off.” You’re tired, irritated, or lost — maybe all three.
If you’ve been “putting up with” more than you’d like to admit, you’re not alone. This post is here to help you spot what you’re tolerating, why it’s draining your energy, and how to gently — yet powerfully — say no more.
Why Tolerating Too Much Is Holding You Back
After any major life shift — especially divorce — it’s easy to slip into survival mode. You focus on what has to get done today. You avoid new drama. You keep the peace.
But long-term survival mode is not where you’re meant to stay. It doesn’t bring joy. It doesn’t build your next chapter.
Every small thing you tolerate — whether it’s a chaotic morning routine or an emotionally distant friend — zaps a bit of your energy. And when these pieces stack up, you feel heavy. Foggy. Dull.
Here's what might be stealing your spark:
A job that leaves you drained at the end of every day.
A habit of skipping meals or sleep because “everything falls on me.”
A toxic co-parenting dynamic where you're always the one to bend.
Clutter in your home that quietly whispers, “you’re behind.”
People often justify these things: “I should be grateful — others have it worse.” “This is just how life is now.” “Bringing it up would only make things worse.”
But those thoughts, while understandable, keep you stuck. Toleration isn’t just an inconvenience — it’s a slow leak in your energy and self-worth.
How Toleration Quietly Undermines Your Energy, Confidence, and Relationships
You might think toleration is just about being polite, keeping the peace, or avoiding unnecessary stress. But the toll it takes is much deeper.
Right after divorce, you might feel this strong need to prove you’re okay. You want your kids to feel safe, your friends to see you “handling it,” your ex to know they didn’t break you.
In that mission, you might swallow your needs, stretch yourself too thin, and say yes when you want to scream no.
Why?
Often, it stems from real fears:
You don’t want to be seen as high-maintenance or selfish.
You worry that if you change something, people will leave.
You aren’t even sure what your new standards should be.
But the result of all this silent toleration?
You feel exhausted no matter how much sleep you get.
You get easily irritated by small things — even your kids.
You lose track of what brings you joy.
And socially, you might find you’re stuck:
In friendships that no longer feel mutual.
In routines that don’t match who you’re becoming.
In trying to please people who don’t support you.
Toleration tricks you into thinking you’re keeping things smooth — but you’re actually trading your peace for someone else’s comfort.
From Toleration to Empowered Living: A Simple Shift in Mindset
Here’s some good news: toleration is not a character flaw. It’s not weakness. It’s actually important data.
It tells you exactly where there’s an opportunity to grow.
So let’s reframe how you look at the stuff you’re putting up with.
Start by noticing. Without blaming yourself. Just look around and write down what you’ve been tolerating. Big things, small things — all of it.
Then ask yourself:
“If I weren’t tolerating this, what would I be doing instead?”
You don’t need to have the perfect answer yet. But even considering it opens up a crack of possibility.
This isn’t about fixing everything all at once. It’s about claiming one small area of your life — and shifting your role in it.
Working with a coach or mentor during this process can be hugely helpful. Why? Explore finding a divorce coach for support.
They can help you see hidden blind spots.
They bring compassion and encouragement when you feel stuck.
They offer tools to honor your needs without guilt or fear.
Change doesn’t have to be massive. It’s often made of tiny, courageous “no’s” to what drains you — and tiny bold “yes’s” to what lifts you.
Explore our guide to navigating divorce with confidence and clarity for more insights.
How Martha Stopped Tolerating and Started Thriving
Let me introduce you to Martha.
Martha, 51, thought life should feel more manageable by now. Her kids were adjusting. Her ex was mostly civil. But she felt foggy and stuck.
When we began exploring, she realized she was tolerating a lot:
A job that left her spiritually empty.
A home filled with papers, toys, and clutter that stressed her out.
A longtime friend who only called to vent — and never asked how she was doing.
At first, she said, “I’ll make changes once the kids are older.” But the truth was, she didn’t need a full-blown life overhaul. She needed one small action at a time.
Here’s what she did:
Week 1: She blocked off Sunday mornings just for herself. No laundry, no emails.
Week 2: She cleaned one junk drawer. Just one.
Week 3: She updated her résumé.
By month three, Martha was feeling sharper. Calmer. She even noticed herself laughing more.
Eventually, she applied for a new role in her field — and got it. Not because life had magically become perfect, but because she stopped tolerating what drained her.
5 Practical Steps to Clear Out What You’re Tolerating
Ready to begin shifting some of your own tolerations?
Here's a path forward you can start today.
1. Take a Toleration Inventory
Grab a notebook (or your phone) and list everything you’re currently putting up with. Don’t judge it. Don’t try to fix it.
Examples:
Broken drawer
Tense relationship with ex
Overflowing email inbox
Clothes that no longer fit
Write it all down.
2. Rank Each Item by Energy Drain (1–10)
Ask yourself: How much energy is this costing me?
Cluttered kitchen: 7
Guilt about not exercising: 6
Passive-aggressive texts from ex: 9
This helps you see what’s most urgent.
3. Choose One Item to Shift This Week
Not fix entirely — just shift it. Progress over perfection.
Example: If your closet makes you groan every morning, pick one shelf to tackle.
4. Take One Small Action
Set a 10-minute timer. That’s it.
Send a text. Clear a drawer. Speak up in a conversation. Say “no” with confidence.
Ten minutes can start a new chapter.
5. Celebrate and Reflect
Once you take action, pause. Notice how you feel.
Even if you didn’t fix the whole thing, you took a step. You told your body, your energy, your soul: “I matter.”
That’s worth celebrating.
Stop Settling — One Small Choice at a Time
After divorce, life can feel like a strange in-between. You’re no longer who you were in that relationship — but you’re also not fully living as the person you’re becoming.
Toleration tries to fill that space with sameness and fatigue.
But every time you release one toleration — one task, one relationship, one thought — you open space for something better.
Clarity. Freedom. Power.
You don’t need to fix everything overnight. Life doesn’t change that way.
It shifts when you take back one part of your day, your space, your voice. Navigating divorce with a chronically ill spouse can be another challenge that requires careful consideration of personal needs.
So I invite you today: Notice. Name. Shift. Celebrate.
Then do it again next week. You might be amazed at what unfolds. Understanding domestic violence in abusive relationships is also important to ensure a healthy journey forward.
For those experiencing sudden emotional changes, divorce due to menopause may be a contributing factor to consider.
If you're dealing with situations where your husband yells, it's crucial to understand the underlying reasons so you can address those interactions healthily.
No matter where you are, expert divorce support is just a Zoom call away. Based in Vancouver, I offer professional divorce coaching to clients across North America, including Montana, Idaho, North Carolina, and beyond. Whether you’re navigating an amicable split or a high-conflict divorce, personalized guidance is available to help you move forward with clarity, confidence, and strength.
Divorce is tough, but you don’t have to figure it out by yourself.
Get professional guidance, emotional support, and clear strategies.
Explore More Resources:
📖 The Good, The Bad, and The Divorce — Real stories, hard truths, and expert advice for navigating divorce.
🎯 What is Divorce Coaching? — Learn why having a divorce coach changes everything.
🤔 Should You Consider a Divorce Coach? — How coaching provides clarity when you need it most.
🧠 Narcissism is Not a Diagnosis — Understand the hidden dynamics behind high-conflict divorce.
🌟 Learn More About My Divorce Coaching Services — See how personalized support can change your entire divorce journey.
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